Part III...The Breakdown that will lead to the breakthrough

I once heard Mike Rowe (the actor and activist) say, “I try to look at everything in ‘Mike Rowe’ and then in Macro.” His clever use of the word “micro” made me smile. It also inspired me. “They are looking at the macro perspective,” I argued with myself. “And that is the problem. Addiction counselors, law makers, doctors...they consider everyone to fit into one category...human, and they believe every micro in the macro should come in and out of addiction the same. No one is seeing us as ‘Mike Rowes’ with our own micro/macro!” And that is when it hit me...a new way to describe what I was seeing all along. The understanding that each of us has our own cosmos that we are dealing with. Our (micro) brain with its own thoughts and interpretations of our education and life events. But that is only a one-third portion of the whole that makes us. We are also a body that is housing the brain and the soul that is trying to influence it. We are not what we “think.” We are what we “are,” meaning what state of being we are in at any given moment is dictating what we think. That is what we need to be working on.

Up until this point, experts have been primarily appealing to the mind. We use “talk” education to try and prevent substance use and then we use “talk” therapy to try and get people out. But it has been my experience that trying to talk people out of physical addiction is like pulling the shade down in a sunny room and expecting the sun to go down with it. It ain’t gonna happen!

Is it true that the mind/ego/human brain’s perspective can control the macro system? Yes, the mind (and when we are willing, the soul) can overrule the body. But so can the body overrule the mind and the soul. There is a three way communication mechanism we are all equipped with, but in my experience, when it comes to addiction, if we don’t address the body first and foremost, we won’t be able to keep the mind and the soul in control of anything, let alone a commitment to sobriety. And so the whole point of my series of blogs is to break down for everyone the actual breakdown of the human body, mind and spirit that needs to occur in order to create addiction or any disease or illness for that matter. I (and others) call it, “the perfect storm,” because the way in which it is created is very similar. If you know anything about tropical storms, you would know that they happen all the time. Very few, though, actually become hurricanes that we need to be concerned about, because there needs to be a very unique set of circumstances in order for the storm to hit land so hard. The temperature difference (warm to cold) between land, air (wind) and water (the ocean) has to be the perfect ratio in order for the hurricane to gain momentum and not fizzle out before it hits the shore. Hence the term, “the perfect storm,” because it wouldn’t be anything without the perfect tri-factor.

To keep up the weather analogy, we can try to predict and prepare for a major storm, but we don’t have much control over it. Instead we ride it out and hope for the best. I truly believe we are treating addiction the same way...waiting to see what the storm is doing...where it will hit next so we can help those who have been hit hard and then try to get others to evacuate before more casualties occur. We are treating addiction as an entity we have no control over, because it has become an entity that is out of control. We have to understand that it is not a phenomena without a source. It has an origin that is man-made and since we made it, we can sequester it, even work towards reversing it. What is more important is that we can change the elements, because we are the elements.

Part II: Addiction...Bear (and bare)

with me while I lay the groundwork...

On the way home from the theatre, I made the attempt to unravel from the mixture of emotions that still had their grip on me. Anger, anxiety, sadness...I was all over the place, still fighting back the tears and trying not to play the blame game. The friend I had with me in the car had to hear my rantings, “It’s not the counselors job to know the human body,” I lamented. “They are taught to deal with emotions. It’s not a medical doctors job to know how to counsel. They are taught to treat disease! It’s not the cops job to know how to prevent the war. They have their hands full trying to fight IN the war! And it isn’t within the scope of a parent’s or teacher’s job to be intimately familiar with any of it!” Then I stopped shouting and allowed the ah-ha moment to sink in. A few seconds later, the tears finally started to roll. “It’s my job,” I said jabbing my finger into my chest and crying, “I’m the one I am so angry at.”

For over 25 years, I have been studying and researching how our bodies work and the way each aspect of being human (the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual) effect one another. What started out as a need to heal myself from undiagnosed trauma and emotional and physical illness, turned into a crusade to bring the message to others through coaching and activism. I decided a long time ago that what I was discovering was not taught in schools. It didn’t make any sense to me to spend years getting a degree if that degree didn’t offer me the whole picture or the solutions. I used that time instead to learn more about what I was seeing as the common denominators in myself and all my coaching clients (more on that later). Then I brought in the doctors and practitioners who were degreed, licensed and willing to work with me. When I started seeing amazing results...people, including myself becoming healthy and whole...I wanted to share it with other professionals and agencies. What I wasn’t ready for was the cold shoulder. No one wanted to hear from me. In deference to them, I had no formal degree...no letters after my name. I would look at their faces and almost see the words floating over their heads, “What could she know?” I was partially in agreement. Everything I learned was self taught...countless hours reading through medical journals, clinical trials, prescription manuals and believe it or not, hands on experience. I kept trying to share testimony anyway, remaining under the radar and hoping to strike a chord in any doctor or counselor willing to listen. “I didn’t have to be the crusader,” I would tell myself. “I only have to plant the seed.”

Time has marched on though and so has the devastation. My fear of speaking out as an “uneducated” spokesperson has reached its climatic ridge. Perhaps I needed to be exposed to four nights of trauma, hearing story after agonizing story and seeing picture after gruesome picture in order to trigger my own need to come to the plate. “What good am I doing if I don’t speak out?” Truth is, no one who even moderately understands stress and how it is potentially playing out on the human body and mind can afford to keep silent any longer. Not only is it our job to shout it out, we have to be the catalyst for change or our country will not be victorious over substance abuse. The stats will just keep rising every year as they have been, and our crusaders...the practitioners, counselors and law enforcement who are deep in the trenches, fighting the good fight, will need to keep spending their time in triage. They will remain too busy trying to keep people alive to really delve into healing the root causes that will lead to prevention. That is where “we” need to come in. Every one of us.

Each member of society has their role in the cause, the effect and the cure. No one is to blame. No one person is at fault. It is all circumstance and the culmination of many factors that add up to the addiction epidemic, along with the depression, suicide, disease and unlawful behavior. Fortunately, many of the underlying factors are within our control, but not if we continue to underestimate the influence of each and/or their potential to harm. We finally have to all agree that what we are doing to ourselves and our kids...the physical, mental and emotional stress we endure day to day is just too much for the human mind and body to bear. We have to break it down before it has the potential to break us. But where to start?

First, we each need to select our perspective. Where do you want to stand so you can view the big picture? As a parent, teacher, educator, counselor, medical practitioner, law enforcer, government leader, struggling teen, friend, family member, activist, advocate, coach, concerned citizen or most likely any combination of two, three or four of these positions. It is important to choose, because without the understanding that we are all stakeholders, there won’t be a full buy in. Instead, we will continue to insulate ourselves, thinking it won’t happen to us or our own family and believing that it is another’s responsibility to deal with “those” issues. Everyone’s eyes must remain open. Our souls need to start to rule over our egos and our hearts need to overcome our fears...myself included. It’s time to expose the causes we have all had a part in allowing to affect us. And finally, a serious look at how to eradicate them.

Part I of "A Coach's Take on Addiction."

Last week I had a meltdown in front of 4 cops. It came after four nights of events I attended, all related to teen substance use and addiction. I watched video clips, newsreels, movies and listened to countless testimonies from parents of dead children. I heard (thankfully) stories from young people of their recovery, but not after also hearing about their desperation, suicidal attempts and brokenness. One night would have been enough to cause strain in most, but four...?

It was the forth night that pushed me over the edge. A panel discussion, Narcan training and viewing of a documentary called, “An American Epidemic” was being offered at the Cinema Arts in Huntington. I was happy to go as Nassau’s wellness ambassador to support the woman that invited me (who lost her son to heroin), but I wasn't prepared for the movie producer’s story of drug use and crime...what made him into a crusader willing to spend his entire life fighting the good fight. "Fourteen years ago I was an addict and got involved with a drug deal that went horribly bad. When the guys I pissed off came looking for me at my mom's condo, I was off somewhere in a drug stupor, so they strangled and stabbed her to death instead."

His words landed on my head like bricks. My energy shifted drastically, but I fought hard to stay in my seat in honor of the Suffolk County Coroner who presented next. He showed us one grizzly picture after another of dead drug users, but the last was of an almost unrecognizable body inside a pile of scorched metal. He told the tale of a young girl who was trapped in her car after she crashed driving under the influence of a mixture of wine and pot. She didn’t die instantly upon impact though. The coroner knew this because he found her charred remains hanging over the driver seat. He reported, "she was climbing into the back desperately trying to escape the flames that were engulfing her."

Ten minutes later, I had the need to escape too, but not just because of the stories or the pictures. I couldn’t bring myself to hear from the 7 panelists that came next. No lack of respect for the admirable job they were doing, but I couldn't take one more second of listening to similar verbiage without also being able to talk about how to fix it! All I was hearing up until that point...from them and every person for four nights straight was, “This country has a serious drug problem. We need more education...” To these statements I wanted to scream out of frustration, “I know, but why is everyone always 'educating' about the problem without unraveling deep rooted causes and offering real long lasting solutions?!?”

I hurried out through the doors of the theatre to catch a break in the lobby. There I found some police officers waiting to give the Narcan training. I started my diatribe. "It's going to go on and on in there for another 40 minutes of talk. Someone has to try and stop them!" I was trying to make the statement seem humorous, but it came out anything but. "When can we ask questions? When can we discuss how to help these kids?" The police officers were not sure how to react. When I realized they were trying to decide whether I was someone they needed to help or tackle, I checked in with my energy. It was larger than life and bordering on frantic. I looked at their faces. "I recognize this," I said to myself. It had been two years since I felt the rush of emotions from PTSD. I could see myself in their eyes and what I saw looked pretty scary. "I would like what I came here for," I said, trying to make every word calmer and more deliberate. "I'm a wellness professional," I told them, "and I need the factual data and education so I can speak intelligently to legislators and parents." Then I pushed back...one last time...all the tears I had been fighting all week long. I looked earnestly at the most sympathetic of the four cops and asked, "Can you help me with that?"

Look for Part II: Bear (and bare) with me as I lay the groundwork...

'Children of Divorce: How do we protect them?' with Donna Martini

As a very young woman in my early twenties, I had a block about giving compliments. I would look at a friend and think, “Wow her hair looks great today,” but I wouldn’t express it. Crazy as it sounds; I somehow believed that complimenting someone else might take away from me, possibly exposing what is wrong and ugly in my body and persona, instead of giving to both of us. When I set out to be the best I could be however, this was the first aspect of my personality I wanted to change. So I put out my intention to heal from this issue hoping to be able to share the love I had with more and more people.

I will never forget my first attempt. I was standing on a train platform one really cold morning and spotted a beautiful woman standing by. She was dressed in black from her raven-like hair to her cashmere coat and boots, but she accentuated the look with crimson-red leather gloves. It took a little mental cajoling, but I finally got up the nerve to talk to her. “Those gloves are just perfect with that coat. You look incredible!” Her eyes lit up, and we started a conversation that continued all the way into Penn Station, leading to a friendship we shared for years.

Once I started the practice of sharing sentiments, it prompted many more opportunities to “gift” others. It took time for me to understand the energy exchange and how truly healing it could be, but once I did, I couldn’t stop! I was a complimenting fool and made it a goal to express every positive thought, emotion or notion I had. If I didn't see the beauty in someone right away, I looked for it so I could pass it on. Of course what we say has to be real and truthful…not contrived or the other person will know, creating the opposite effect energetically. Instead, if you think or feel something wonderful and positive then say it!

A penny for your thoughts may have been a good deal a long time ago, but we know better now. Science is proving that we can afford to be generous too, because what we give out, the universe will give right back…and more and more and more.

The Answers Lie in the Face of Every Child

We have many problems in America. From money and budgets, to illiteracy and violence, we run the gamut of low to high stats that dictate just how dysfunctional we are. But there is one issue that makes us far worse than the rest of the world…one really ironic issue considering what we are called: We are one of the most un-united countries in the world.
There is no imaginary line from north to south. No fences or gates, but there is a clear delineation. In our effort to be a “democratic” nation, we divided ourselves into two parts with two totally different belief systems that are pulling us apart. Divided we stand, and we have been “falling” out of stature for quite some time. We are aware of the problem, but what are we doing about it?
This latest tragedy in Connecticut has tugged at the heart of every one of us. The idea that we can send our children off to school in the morning and have them shot dead by early afternoon was not even a viable notion to most parents. Now it is a reality…there is no safe place. But the reaction in the wake of this heartbreak is not understandable. Instead of pulling together, we stay true to our division. There is no agreement from left to right on how we should deal with our issues going forward. Creative, intelligent people are digging their heels in the ground, standing true to their beliefs even though that is not going to help or solve the problems we face.
The verbiage I hear from both sides is redundant. Constant inculcation of the same message tells me that no one is utilizing their potential as a human being. When we close off our minds and hearts, we are weak. When we decide to look at every aspect with openly, we become omnipotent. We tap into energy and intelligence far greater than our own human potential. We only have to decide to see truth, then ask for answers and they come. And there are plenty of both to behold!
Since we are physical, emotional, mental and spiritual beings, we need to look at every aspect of life from those same four perspectives. It is not difficult to recognize that we need to seriously rethink what we are doing to ourselves. We are ingesting chemicals through bastardized food and drink every day and have NO IDEA what effect they have on the mind and body. How about the constant interruption of brain wave activity with the radiation we are exposed to? Are we in denial of the potential that all technology has to re-wire the developing brains of our children?
There is a tremendous disconnect between mental illness and violence, meaning that we have no clear cut system in place to deal with people who are functional but socially “distorted.” If that isn’t bad enough, we commonly treat mind and body as two separate entities within one human, using many practitioners to handle the same person. Most often, they never even discuss their patient’s needs, let alone come together to treat them. How do we allow this detachment knowing full well how much our bodies’ bio-chemistry can dictate our minds, moods and decisions?
And we ask why are we seeing so much violence? What are our hate-mongering video games, TV shows and movies doing to our children’s personas? There is evidence out there proving that it has a negative effect, yet more horrible depictions of human behavior are popping up regularly in every form of media. Emotionally speaking, what are we doing to our young people’s ideals by constantly exposing them to hatred?
There is no greater spiritual sorrow to the vast majority of the population (almost 90% shown in polls) than to see our children shielded from religion in schools. From taking the word “God” out of our pledge to eliminating Christmas and Hanukah references, we are literally sending the message that having a soul and faith in a power greater than ourselves is “politically retarded.” What in God’s name is so awful that we can’t expose our children to it? When did we decide that it was more beneficial to eliminate all references rather than allowing for the exposure to ALL religions they can learn and grow by?
I don’t profess to know all the answers to every issue, but I write, advocate and teach many. It is possible to change, and it wouldn’t take much, though the key to accomplishing it seems implausible. It would mean all of us dropping our guard and fear of being controlled and legislated. It would take living up to our country’s founding promise.
We need to finally decide that our individual beliefs, coupled with our division about it, is getting us to a place we can’t return from. We need to fully comprehend for the sake of our kids that we aren’t going nowhere. We are going somewhere. What is the expression, “to hell and back?” Hopefully the faces of those little angels will help us return to reality. We are called the United States. Let’s start acting like it. DM 12/2012

Keeping the Backbone of America Strong

This election has spawned the need for a new “party” to emerge…one that speaks for a real issue and that is personal responsibility. We talk consistently about the imbalance of wealth, but few talk about the imbalance of work. Who is toiling and who is not? Who is paying in and who is taking out? This is not a democrat vs. republican issue. The Backbone of America is being threatened and no matter who is in office, we need to keep it from breaking or the entire country will collapse from lack of support.

When we are able to see that the problems are not red or blue, we will be able to see truth. We cannot handle taking care of people that want a better life, if we are taking away the better life that others have worked so hard to create for themselves. We are not strong enough or big enough to tackle the issues of the world unless we can finally stand united in our belief that everyone needs to pull their own weight. Unless a person is at such a disadvantage they cannot work or contribute, “Everyone,” as my grandfather used to say, “needs to have a broom in their hand.” Sweeping America clean of its deficit and waste can only come when we finally define who really needs what.

As any great parent will tell you, in order to run a household, all inhabitants must do their share or the imbalance breaks the back of the provider. One spouse supports outside the household while the other supports inside or they share both accordingly. Children do their part, irrespective of how small the task, and even the dog or cat serves as protector or loving companion. The second there is an imbalance though, the “stronger” becomes the weaker and can succumb to malaise, sickness or despair.

By 2025 the leading cause of death will be heart disease. The second leading cause will be depression...this coming from the World Health Organization. Autoimmune disease, which characteristics and causes have eluded every expert, is now being researched from a new perspective. “If we can’t find the physical cause,” says German researchers, “let’s try to find the emotional!”

Right now the medical community is attributing 90% of disease to stress; another condition that cannot be tackled or healed without difficulty, because it is defined and handled uniquely in each person. Although intangible in one way, it is still felt deeply in another. Consider the entrepreneur who feels it through his/her lack of control over the economy; the jobless who can’t find employment; the single parent who fears, “What is going to happen next?” How about our children who feel it secondhand but have no skills to handle it?

There is no need to blame any sector, government or private. It is a culmination of the whole; those numbers who choose to take advantage have just as much responsibility as those who choose to do nothing to fight for their own rights and beliefs. EVERY HUMAN BEING of a reasonable age needs to look at their participation in the course this country is taking. As soon as any one citizen turns their back on the direction of their own life, we all lose control of our future as a whole.

So what will the other half of America do with the negative emotions they are feeling after this election? How is the “Backbone” of America going to handle the next four years of pressure? Where is the division going to take us? If half this country likes the job Obama did, exactly what are their expectations going forward? Are we not raising the bar high enough on all of our government leaders, both red and blue? And an even scarier question: Is the rate of illness in America indicative of the number of us that have already succumbed to the pressure, believing that we are powerless to ever affect real change?

Fortunately, the answers don’t have to be left to “time will tell.” We can create our future, but finding solutions to our problems won’t be at either end of the right or wrong spectrum. When we want to resolve an issue, we shouldn’t be looking at what is there and obvious. What is taking up the space in between? How can we see each other’s side? What have we lacked as a society that we can now foster?

If we choose to believe in something, then let it be this: Throughout history we have seen that every issue can be resolved with a symbiotic solution if we come together and meet halfway. And if we adopt this policy of tolerance, then we need to take it much further this time. We have to finally look at ourselves and stop laying blame. What am I giving or taking to help or hurt America? What am I doing or not doing to provide for our future? Can I stop whining long enough to participate in my own potential? Am I an American willing to take responsibility or not?

We can change the course this country is on no matter which man or woman is in office. We first need to change that part of ourselves that won’t see, hear or feel the in between. We have to empathize without enabling. We need to put ourselves in the shoes of others just long enough to do the right thing by them, and then step back into our own so we can continue on the journey we were meant to be on. When we finally look to heal what is not working in our own lives, the job of healing our nation will be done. DM