Excerpt from "The Ten Commandments of Divorce," Confessions of a Recall-a-holic"

Confessions of a Recall-a-Holic

I have to admit, I am famous for this one as any man in my former life would attest to. During my marriage and in other relationships, I would continuously recount every episode until I was red with rage. Of course, this got me nowhere and it was usually at some point during my “how can I ever forget when you…!” diatribe that my partner’s ears would flop over. Truthfully, I have a notion that women do this more than men do. It is as if we rehash our pain through every episode we encounter and they all seem to trigger the same emotion. So when a current episode feels just like a past one, we tend to think it is necessary to recall them all! Not helpful, but we do it anyway. Here’s the thing though; you are not married anymore, so there is nothing to be gained by bringing up old hurts and pains. Instead, save it for your therapist and if you want to take it a step further, use the negative episodes to figure out what common denominator they all carry, namely you!

Learning From Their Mistakes

On my life journey, I realized I was attracting the same hurt and pain from every man I was in a relationship with. And that notion was confirmed some years ago after spending time researching American Indian Medicine. In the book, “Medicine Cards” by Jamie Sams and David Carson, the authors describe how Native Americans use animals to recognize their strengths and frailties, and they turn to “animal medicine” to heal. There is a delightful story about a rabbit that brought so much clarity to me, I have to share it.

At one time, the rabbit was considered courageous and bold, but after encountering a witch, he was cursed with attracting fear into his realm. Since then, the rabbit has been referred to as the “Fear Caller.” While peacefully grazing in a field, the rabbit will look up and see an eagle. Sams and Carson write, “He goes out and shouts, ‘Eagle, I am afraid of you!’ If Eagle does not hear him, Rabbit calls louder, ‘Eagle, stay away from me!’ Eagle, now hearing Rabbit, comes and eats him.” This story sounded crazy to me until the authors revealed the ancient wisdom behind the tale. “As the story shows, Rabbit medicine people are so afraid of tragedy, illness, disaster and of ‘being taken,’ that they call those very fears to them to teach them lessons. The key note here is: what you resist will persist! What you fear most is what you will become.” Being a student of energy, I recognized the law of attraction right away, and then it was seconds later when I realized my long-time fear of emotional abandonment was almost luring in, energetically and unwittingly, men who were masters at emotional escape.

The picture was becoming crystal clear: Since every fight I had was over the same issues with each man, it would trigger the pain from all past issues that were never resolved. When I found my own weakness and realized I was the common denominator in each of these relationships, I decided I needed to change myself and work on those very issues that were keeping me from staying in the present. My thought was, “If I want a great guy, I have to be a great woman!” I understand now that if I didn’t take responsibility for the annoying habit of rehashing, it would have never changed no matter what man I was with. It became obvious that the mistakes they made with me became my lessons to learn from.