Keeping the Peace in Divorce this Holiday Season

The holidays are especially difficult for families going through a separation or who are already divorced. I wanted to give everyone in this situation some food for thought. Although it is painful for us as adults, imagine what it must feel like to the kids. Below is an excerpt from my new book, “The Ten Commandments of Divorce. How to leave your marriage without breaking up your family.” It is a tough reminder, but sometimes we need to shake ourselves a bit when we are in so much pain. Share this with your co-parent and express to them how much you want to make this easier for the children. Take a softer stance and the energy between the two of you will change immediately. My love and special energy goes out to you as you make the tough decisions this holiday season.

Excerpted from the Commandment XVIII

Becoming a Truth Seeker

In seeking the real truth, understanding how to create an altruistic goal is the most important aspect. In other words, you are now part of a divorced family. There should never be a “what is good for me” thought in your head. You are a “we,” and you have been since the day your children were born. As the saying goes, get used to it. You have to repeatedly check yourself and ask, “Are these emotions based on reality and are they helping or hurting my loved ones?”

Why am I being so tough considering many of us may not even want to be divorced? Because we got married, we had children and then our marriages ended. No matter who did what, we are living in separated but united family units, as crazy as that sounds. More than ever, we can’t just think of our own needs. Instead, we need to keep thinking about what is good for EVERYONE, and as soon as we do, the symbiotic (and truthful) solutions will come to us.

You Can Have Your Cake, but Don’t Eat It

I have a saying, “Never deprive yourself of anything. Instead, change your mind about what you want.” By this I mean, don’t think you aren’t getting what you want just because a situation you are in doesn’t come out exactly as you first envisioned it. Sometimes, we deprive ourselves of what is good for us because we don’t want to give up what feels good to us. I usually use this phrase when speaking about food, but it applies to all of life. To help you understand, use this analogy: If you decide to go on a diet then you must give up highly caloric food. You might feel deprived at first of, let’s say, chocolate cake. Decide however that you want an incredibly fit and svelte body and now, if you eat the cake, you will be depriving yourself of a new healthy physique. Which one do you want to give up? Which is more important to you?

I know this is going to sound unsympathetic, but as adults, we need to act responsibly and sometimes we don’t like the direction that sends us in. We should always do what is right, truthful, and even heroic because our children should always come first, but do each of us do that? Clients ask me, “Does this mean that I have to give up everything that I want?” My answer is, “No, it means that you need to start wanting what is right for everyone instead of just wanting what is right for yourself.” If you make it a goal to always do what is best for the family, and you achieve this goal, then aren’t you getting what you want? So ultimately, there is no deprivation, right?

Dr. Wayne Dyer says over and over in his books, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Alter, influence, or simply change (Positively Manipulate!) your mind about what you want and look at each circumstance from a multi-faceted perspective. If it is good for the children, your ex and yourself, then soften your view of what is happening in your life and consider it to be the best solution.