Before You Leave Your Marriage...

Excerpt from "The Ten Commandments of Divorce" The Last Resort, or is it?

A portion of my time coaching is spent trying to save marriages. That’s not to suggest that there are people out there who are too hasty in their decision to divorce. Most couples feel they have no choice or lack the means to deal with their differences and unhappiness. They don’t believe they have the ability to change the negative aspects of their relationship, and they usually blame the wrong reasons for their marriage becoming unhealthy. That is where I step in, because statistically, staying and working things out is the best recourse. According to the Institute for American Values, almost eight out of 10 couples who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.

Everything from hormones and the chemically ridden food we poison ourselves with to the environment, money and stress can contribute to the downfall of a relationship. We often blame it on a lack of love, not realizing that love is a decision. We claim “irreconcilable differences,” not understanding the need to continuously forgive each other and ourselves. We cite infidelity as a leading cause, but we never look into how bio-chemistry plays a role in leading us astray. We complain of “cruel and unusual punishment” and fail to consider mental illness as part of our vow to stick it out “in sickness and in health.”

Too often we are ready to jump ship without really investigating the underlying causes. Not because we want to get divorced, and certainly not because it is easy. Staying almost always seems harder than leaving. Rather, it’s because we don’t understand the options. To know how to save a marriage requires the skills of a psychoanalyst, bio-chemist, translator, coach, mediator, nurse, financial advisor and in some cases, addiction counselor. We just aren’t equipped emotionally or intellectually to handle all the idiosyncrasies of the human persona – our own or that of our spouse.

Since we don’t know how to fix each other’s problems, we decide to depart, not realizing that leaving doesn’t necessarily solve anything. When couples split, they are often amazed at how unhappy they still are! Clients who have been divorced for any length of time come to me with their tales of woe, and I listen as they walk me through their former marriage and subsequent relationships, all with pretty much the same outcome. When they are done, I ask, “Who or what is the common denominator in your life?” Ultimately, they come to the conclusion, “It’s me.” When the realization is made that it may not have been entirely the other person’s fault, when the need to work on their own issues becomes clear, the real mending can begin.

After becoming single, there are so many new problems to pin misery on. Co-parenting issues, lack of money and living arrangements are a few, but many of the real reasons for discontent are still with us, or I should say, within us. As the German writer and spiritualist Eckhart Tolle puts it, They (intimate relationships) do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.” Clearly, the issues that we need to heal from do not leave our personas as we physically leave a marriage. They follow us … relentlessly.